[Author's note: this was originally posted at The Huffington Post. It has since popped up all over the 'net. And apparently many people don't understand satire, because many of the quotes I made up for the Drug Czar have been reprinted as if he actually said them. For the record, the words in the very first quote in the first paragraph are his actual words, as are the words in the last quote, in the penultimate paragraph. The others come from my twisted sense of humor. --Don]
After declaring on Wednesday in Fresno that "marijuana is dangerous and has no medicinal benefit," Gil Kerlikowske, director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy said the next target will be "the biggest gateway drug of all, mother's milk."
While ramping up efforts to ensure that no human suffering can be relieved by doctors prescribing marijuana, Kerlikowske said his office will soon begin two new initiatives: first, to outlaw breast feeding and baby formula; and then a campaign to urge teenagers to avoid marijuana by increasing their use of alcohol and tobacco.
"It is the strong belief of the current White House Office that the Bush Administration's opposition to so-called science was well founded." Kerlikowske said. "We will soon publish evidence that gravity is a myth, water runs uphill, and hot air doesn't rise.
"We're also reexamining dubious and ridiculous claims that the earth allegedly revolves around the sun," said Kerlikowske, known affectionately as the Drug Czar. "And, contrary to popular opinion and centuries of scientific evidence, we know the earth is flat.
"Furthermore, the moisture some call 'rainfall' is actually God's tears."
A reporter pointed out to the Drug Dictator that marijuana has been found to have many medicinal uses by the Institute of Medicine, American Nurses Association, American Public Health Association, American Academy of HIV Medicine, Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, Lymphoma Foundation of America, and numerous other medical and scientific research organizations.
"Poppycock and balderdash," Kerlikowske sputtered.
"Who are you going to believe? Me, a lifetime cop, or a bunch of wimpy doctors and nurses and pantywaist scientists in frilly white lab coats?" asked Kerlikowske, who was the Seattle Police Chief before being named as Drug Despot by the president.
"All patriotic, red-blooded Americans should ignore the medical research of the federal government and the private sector."
Asked why the Drug Tyrant would recommend teenagers should use more alcohol and tobacco, Kerlikowske said he believes marijuana must be stamped out at any cost.
"Yes, it's true that each year hundreds of thousands of Americans die from using alcohol and tobacco and no one has ever died of an overdose of marijuana," Kerlikowske said. "But if you factor out drunk driving auto accidents, hardly any of those dying from alcohol and tobacco are teenagers. It's mostly middle-aged and older people. And hell, they were going to die eventually anyway.
"And yes, we will propose legislation to outlaw breast feeding and baby formula. Mother's milk and formula are both gateway drugs. It's been proven that almost all heroin, cocaine, and crystal meth addicts started out on either mother's milk or formula as babies. Formula is the methadone of baby nutrition."
Asked about widespread efforts in many states to legalize or decriminalize marijuana and to tax it, Kerlikowske told a reporter from the Fresno Bee, "Legalization is not in the president's vocabulary, and it's not in mine."Kerlikowske added that other words not in his vocabulary include compassion, pain and suffering, the scientific method, and evidence.