Aerosmith, Rep. Cantor, Hookers, and Hypocrisy

After Rep. Eric Cantor, the House Republican Whip, released an ad touting the Republican "victory" over the Democrats in the battle over the stimulus legislation, Aerosmith sent Cantor the following letter thanking him for promoting "Back in the Saddle," their song about hookers in a saloon town:

Dear Rep. Cantor,

Thanks for promoting our song about the hooker Sukie Jones. You and Sukie are made for each other. You've moved up from being the Chief Deputy Whip to Republican Whip in the 111th Congress. And her speciality is whipping bad boys like you.

Yeah, you and your Republican friends outflanked the Democrats in the stimulus battle. You showed them what a real stimulus plan should be about, didn't you, Mr. Republican Whip? Hookers, right?

I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again
Ridin' into town alone
By the light of the moon
I'm looking for ole' Sukie Jones
She crazy horse saloon
Barkeep gimme a drink

You left no doubt where your mind is when you picked our song. Maybe your constituents can't hear the words. But we know you like any song about a saddle-sore cowpoke riding into a saloon town of soakin' wet girls to get some time in the rack with his four-bit hooker.

Umm...come easy, go easy
Alright 'til the rising sun
I'm calling all the shots tonight
I'm like a loaded gun
Peelin' off my boots and chaps
I'm saddle sore
Four bits gets you time in the racks
I scream for more

Fools' gold out of their mines
The girls are soaking wet
No tongue's drier than mine
I'll come when I get back

And, we bet we're not the only ones who thought it was funny when your staff sent out the old AFSCME ad with the bogus sound track full of obscenities. Pretty funny. You, the bastion of conservatism who always defends America against swear words. I bet your constituents in the Bible Belt got the joke.

Hope you don't bleep all the good parts in our song when you find out what we're singing about. But, hey, you won't. That was your point, right?

I'm back in the saddle again
I'm riding, I'm loading up my pistol
I'm riding, I really got a fistful
I'm riding, I'm shining up my saddle
I'm riding, this snake is gonna rattle

Of course, we almost forgot. Your friend, Sen. David Vitter, has probably introduced you to ol' Sukie. He knows all the hookers from New Orleans to Washington.

And just imagine what you and Vitter get into on your foreign junkets. (Junkets? Where do you guys come up with these words?) I bet the taxpayers are glad to pay for all that. You guys need a break now and then.

You're known for going on the House floor to rail against swear words and how they're destroying America. But with Sukie, you can say all the bleeped words from the ads you and your staff promote. She'll spank your skinny butt every time you yell one. She'll even dress like your mother if you like that better than her leather boots and metal-studded pants suit. Or ... is that what your mom wore, too?

So, get back in the saddle again, Mr. Whip. And beg Sukie to whip you. Harder. Make it hurt. You're a bad boy, Eric.

Your buddies,
Aerosmith

Kellogg's Insider on Phelps: Corporation More Concerned About Chemical Delivery Than Marijuana

As a photo of Olympian Michael Phelps apparently smoking marijuana has stirred up a national discussion, an inside source at Kellogg's has revealed that the company dropped Phelps as their spokesperson not because of potential damage to its corporate image but for undermining its true corporate mission - to keep as many Americans as possible addicted to certain synthetic chemicals, food dyes, and artificial sweeteners.

Kelloggs announced they had terminated the endorsement contract because the photo of a bong-wielding Phelps was "not consistent with our image." But an unnamed Kellogg's source, speaking with this reporter off the record, said company executives were worried that the emphasis on Phelps and marijuana might divert attention from the true goal.

"Let there be no mistake, marijuana is a gateway drug leading to far worse substances. Like tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, high fructose corn syrup, and trans fats. But it's not the marijuana we worry about." said the source. "It's the short-term memory loss. What if a kid gets high on marijuana and then reaches for fruits or vegetables or mixed nuts? What if they forget our products and they go for Doritos or beer or Oreos? What good would that do our stockholders?

"We don't want kids thinking they can swim 50 miles a week, win gold medals at the Olympics., then relax with a bong hit. They need to keep their eyes on the prize - consuming our chemicals," the source said.

"To maintain our stock dividends, we brew synthetic chemicals in large vats and we have to keep it moving. We've created several chemical delivery systems to maintain the addiction to and consumption of pyridoxine hydrochloride, thiamin hydrochloride, BHT as a preservative, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, niacinamide, red dye #40, blue dye #2, yellow dye #6, zinc oxide, annatto color, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, enriched flour, salt, palm kernel oil with TBHQ for freshness, baking soda, monocalcium phosphate, and artificial flavors.

"We owe it to our stockholders to ensure that kids - and adults -- consume these substances. To make it easy for parents to be sure their kids will continue to get these vital ingredients Kellogg's has created several chemical delivery systems and you can see our ingredients on our boxes or on our website, including: Kellogg's® Froot Loops® cereal, Famous Amos® Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, Sunshine® Cheez-It® Pepper Jacks, and our all-time favorite Kellogg's Frosted Flakes® cereal.

"Our chemicals! They're GGGGGRRRREEEEEAAAATTT!!!" said the source with a maniacal grin as this reporter closed his notebook.

Bush Vows Retaliation Against Canada, UK for Goose Downing of Flight 1549

Within minutes of US Airways Flight 1549's crash landing in the Hudson River, a little known terrorist cell of Canadian geese took credit for the near tragedy and President George W. Bush, despite his lame goose status, waved his bloody sword at Canada - and even the United Kingdom.

Bush warned Prime Minister Stephen Harper that Canada must take swift action to scatter the terrorist geese, or America will.

"If Canada continues to give these geese a safe nest, the United States will consider our neighbor to the North a terrorist regime. You're either part of our flock or you're birds of a different feather," he told Harper.

"This goes for the Queen of England, too," Bush said. "Queenie, your kid brother can no longer hide behind your royal skirts. If Canada allows these terrorist geese to roost near our homeland and you protect Canada, America will invade Ottawa and we'll dive bomb London.

"If you think this former fighter pilot won't take flight in my last days in office ... go ahead, make my day," Bush said.