Amid the uproar over President Obama's grand scheme to use subliminal brainwashing to mesmerize and indoctrinate America's schoolchildren into his cult of personality, Republicans today demanded equal access to young minds so they could counterbalance the president's dangerous message.
The RNC gained an advance copy of President Obama's speech in which he will urge students to work hard at school, do their homework, stay in school through graduation, and set goals for their work and their lives.
"We can't allow him to advance this insidious, socialist agenda," said a Republican House Member from Minnesota speaking to this reporter through thick glass and a peep hole from her asylum. She asked to remain nameless and added that House Minority Leader John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell are wrapped in an epic battle to be the messenger.
"We Republicans will make our stand in opposition to this Kenyan-born/illegal-alien/Manchurian-Candidate and save America's most precious resource," said the representative, holding her slit wrists together.
"The Republican message, of course, is to tell kids to not work hard, don't do your homework, don't stay in school, and don't set goals.
"Only then can we expect a new generation of Republican voters."
Originally posted at: HuffingtonPost.com/don-parker/
After Rep. Eric Cantor, the House Republican Whip, released an ad touting the Republican "victory" over the Democrats in the battle over the stimulus legislation, Aerosmith sent Cantor the following letter thanking him for promoting "Back in the Saddle," their song about hookers in a saloon town:
Dear Rep. Cantor,
Thanks for promoting our song about the hooker Sukie Jones. You and Sukie are made for each other. You've moved up from being the Chief Deputy Whip to Republican Whip in the 111th Congress. And her speciality is whipping bad boys like you.
Yeah, you and your Republican friends outflanked the Democrats in the stimulus battle. You showed them what a real stimulus plan should be about, didn't you, Mr. Republican Whip? Hookers, right?
I'm back I'm back in the saddle again Ridin' into town alone By the light of the moon I'm looking for ole' Sukie Jones She crazy horse saloon Barkeep gimme a drink
You left no doubt where your mind is when you picked our song. Maybe your constituents can't hear the words. But we know you like any song about a saddle-sore cowpoke riding into a saloon town of soakin' wet girls to get some time in the rack with his four-bit hooker.
Umm...come easy, go easy Alright 'til the rising sun I'm calling all the shots tonight I'm like a loaded gun Peelin' off my boots and chaps I'm saddle sore Four bits gets you time in the racks I scream for more
Fools' gold out of their mines The girls are soaking wet No tongue's drier than mine I'll come when I get back
And, we bet we're not the only ones who thought it was funny when your staff sent out the old AFSCME ad with the bogus sound track full of obscenities. Pretty funny. You, the bastion of conservatism who always defends America against swear words. I bet your constituents in the Bible Belt got the joke.
Hope you don't bleep all the good parts in our song when you find out what we're singing about. But, hey, you won't. That was your point, right?
I'm back in the saddle again I'm riding, I'm loading up my pistol I'm riding, I really got a fistful I'm riding, I'm shining up my saddle I'm riding, this snake is gonna rattle
Of course, we almost forgot. Your friend, Sen. David Vitter, has probably introduced you to ol' Sukie. He knows all the hookers from New Orleans to Washington.
And just imagine what you and Vitter get into on your foreign junkets. (Junkets? Where do you guys come up with these words?) I bet the taxpayers are glad to pay for all that. You guys need a break now and then.
You're known for going on the House floor to rail against swear words and how they're destroying America. But with Sukie, you can say all the bleeped words from the ads you and your staff promote. She'll spank your skinny butt every time you yell one. She'll even dress like your mother if you like that better than her leather boots and metal-studded pants suit. Or ... is that what your mom wore, too?
So, get back in the saddle again, Mr. Whip. And beg Sukie to whip you. Harder. Make it hurt. You're a bad boy, Eric.
Don Parker has battled a lifelong addiction to seeing the world through a satirical lens. A veteran of national, state, and local politics, he's a freelance writer in Washington, DC. In his day jobs, he has been press secretary and deputy chief of staff for a U. S. Senator, Washington assistant for a governor, a college history instructor, political reporter for two newspapers, radio news anchor, and press secretary for a freedom-of-belief advocacy organization.
He recently became a blogger for The Huffington Post. As a commentator, he has been quoted in hundreds of newspapers and news outlets, including The New York Times, The International Herald Tribune, the BBC, Voice of America, Congressional Quarterly, and has been featured on progressive talk radio stations.
Read more at www.huffingtonpost.com/don-parker
