As a photo of Olympian Michael Phelps apparently smoking marijuana has stirred up a national discussion, an inside source at Kellogg's has revealed that the company dropped Phelps as their spokesperson not because of potential damage to its corporate image but for undermining its true corporate mission - to keep as many Americans as possible addicted to certain synthetic chemicals, food dyes, and artificial sweeteners.
Kelloggs announced they had terminated the endorsement contract because the photo of a bong-wielding Phelps was "not consistent with our image." But an unnamed Kellogg's source, speaking with this reporter off the record, said company executives were worried that the emphasis on Phelps and marijuana might divert attention from the true goal.
"Let there be no mistake, marijuana is a gateway drug leading to far worse substances. Like tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, high fructose corn syrup, and trans fats. But it's not the marijuana we worry about." said the source. "It's the short-term memory loss. What if a kid gets high on marijuana and then reaches for fruits or vegetables or mixed nuts? What if they forget our products and they go for Doritos or beer or Oreos? What good would that do our stockholders?
"We don't want kids thinking they can swim 50 miles a week, win gold medals at the Olympics., then relax with a bong hit. They need to keep their eyes on the prize - consuming our chemicals," the source said.
"To maintain our stock dividends, we brew synthetic chemicals in large vats and we have to keep it moving. We've created several chemical delivery systems to maintain the addiction to and consumption of pyridoxine hydrochloride, thiamin hydrochloride, BHT as a preservative, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, niacinamide, red dye #40, blue dye #2, yellow dye #6, zinc oxide, annatto color, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, enriched flour, salt, palm kernel oil with TBHQ for freshness, baking soda, monocalcium phosphate, and artificial flavors.
"We owe it to our stockholders to ensure that kids - and adults -- consume these substances. To make it easy for parents to be sure their kids will continue to get these vital ingredients Kellogg's has created several chemical delivery systems and you can see our ingredients on our boxes or on our website, including: Kellogg's® Froot Loops® cereal, Famous Amos® Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, Sunshine® Cheez-It® Pepper Jacks, and our all-time favorite Kellogg's Frosted Flakes® cereal.
"Our chemicals! They're GGGGGRRRREEEEEAAAATTT!!!" said the source with a maniacal grin as this reporter closed his notebook.
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